It's hard to write blog entries when you're trying to look busy all the time. But I had a productive day today, so I can justify it.

You know, being an adult -- this has been said before, I reckon -- not all it's cracked up to be. One of the worst things about it is probably having to make conversation in the grocery store. I always feel like I'm dancing some dance that comes natural to everybody else. But anyway. It was before going to work, I'm in a suit and tie, and I have my son Gus with me. And I'm asking where the pre-sliced cheese is (for cheese sandwiches) because, as is my fate, I am completely incapable of finding it.

Now Rolands in Chesapeake Beach is its own scene. It's not a big chain grocery store, but it's not tiny either. It's a medium sized grocery store. The ladies behind the register are old and rednecky, but mostly not mean. But, man do I feel like the Other. Even more than usual. I don't get these rednecks and their priorities, I don't. Lawn care. That's a big one. And the whole way of doing things, the way of talking, and what they care about and why, I'm out of the loop. I feel, in a strange way I can't put right, like a Cop on the beat. There's a we're-all-in-on-it way of talking only I'm not in on it. Even after five years here I'm not (though a friend says I'm good at it -- well, I'm better when I'm drunk, maybe). I can't define it but, there's

friendliness -- that's definitely part of it, but --
there's a meanness too, or a harsh kidding, an invasiveness I don't get.

You can fake the friendliness to a point, but if you don't cut it with whatever this second thing is the friendliness is seen as a shame, maybe, I'm not sure, but what I mean is

I'm wearing this, you know, metaphorical wintercoat I wear. I guess maybe trying to hide all that vulnerability (that's what they tell me anyway). And Gus is with me like I said, and he says to the lady, "these are my spiderman fruit snacks" and she lights up, or maybe just switches into normal mode (I'm always disarming / arming people, I feel) because it's a kid and kids'll say anything, but here I am with a kid and

well i don't know if i can explain it i guess i can't.

but the thing about kids i guess is there's only so far crazy you can get and they snap you back.

people are just people after all, and Other or not, they're people.

what can i say?

gus is going to be a good man someday i can tell.